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Eight Hours of Recommended Reading
(But only if you're really slow.)
- PETA: The Worth of Animal Souls Is Great
- Celestial Roulette
- My Body is a Private Club for Members
- Label Maker
- The Fear of God and Spiders
- You Must Be Smoking
- Caffeine: The Devil's in the Drip
Eight Hours Worth
of other Blogs
I've been to too many blogs to list them all in this column, but you can see the list here.
At Least Eight Hours Worth of Podcasts I'm Not Supposed to Like:
December 2005
- This Post Brought to You by…HACK…HACK
- Today’s Sparkling Gem of Wisdom From My Daughter
- Thinking Outside of the Gene Pool
- Helium Overdose Again
- A Merry Christ-less-mas to You Too!
- Twer the Nerds Before Xmas
- Doodle-eee Doodle-eee-doo
- No Brains Were Armed for the Making of this Commercial
- The Pope Who Stole Xmas
- Chris “Monkey” Buttars
- Helium Overdose
- Woes of a White Male Wrapper
- Sam’s Club Called—They Said They Have a New Greeter
- By Their Ears Ye Shall Know Them
- War of the WTF???
This Post Brought to You by…HACK…HACK
Monday, January 2, 2006
4:18 PM
Ok, God. On the extremely off chance that I've grossly miscalculated and you're actually running around up there somewhere with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, I'm putting you on notice.
ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE PRACTICAL JOKES. Especially the one where ON MY PAID HOLIDAY I end up in bed eating an entire bag of cough drops, blasting copious amounts of phlegm out of my one unstuffed nostril and holding a pillow over my throbbing head while the Mother Taberfuckingnacle Choir sings triumphantly in the background.
GOD: But Doug, I want you to be happy. That's why I invented viruses.
Me: Very funny. Go away.
GOD: Why don't you go ask your dad for a blessing?
Me: That's IT! I'm going over to church right now to sneeze your clever little inventions all over the nursery!!! Wants me to be fuffn happy…mmmphphn…fffnsnfmbtch…
I'm sick. Again. My first cold started right at the beginning of Xmas vacation and lasted me just until it was time to go back to work. By Friday evening a week later, I was off work a couple hours early and settling in at home for New Year's Eve with a brand new cold, only this time worse than before. Hell, if I play my cards right, I figure that by February I can catch pneumonia for my birthday and die.
At least that's where I'm headed if my dad's diagnosis is correct. He's not a doctor, but he loves to speculate.
Dad: Wow, you sound terrible! Have you been to a doctor yet?
Me: Yeah. He said I'm sick.
Dad: No really, you should see a doctor.
Me: I'll be fine. It just needs to run its course.
Dad: It might be pneumonia!
Me: Naw. It's probably RABIES. RUFF, RUFF! AAAAAARRRRGH!!! (This is the part where I jump from my bed and bite his neck).
That's ok, Dad. Keep guessing pneumonia. One of these days you're bound to get it right. In the meantime, could you get me some more cough drops?
Today’s Sparkling Gem of Wisdom From My Daughter
Friday, December 30, 2005
2:56 PM
“Farts are like the dogs in the house that you just have to push out.”
Thinking Outside of the Gene Pool
Thursday, December 29, 2005
5:49 PM
Part One
Happiness is knowing that you've turned out pretty normal even if the rest of your family tree is loaded with nuts. Beside the fact that they're all dead, I believe there is one crucial difference between me and many of my departed ancestors: I discovered the life-and-death importance of independent rational thought. Let me explain.
John D. Lee
The man you're looking at is John Doyle Lee. My parents always spoke of him with a weird sort of admiration and reverence. They informed people with pride that we were related. My grandpa, Doyle Woolsey Humphries was even named after him. Their pictures look uncannily alike, but thankfully that's where the similarities stop. My grandpa was an honorable man for whom I still have a great deal of respect, and that's a hell of a lot more than I can say for his namesake.
On September 11, 1857, my great-great-great-great grandfather Lee, a Mormon Bishop in Southern Utah, helped slaughter 120 unarmed men women and children in what is now known as the Mountain Meadows Massacre. Although he had many accomplices, he was the only one executed. His membership in the Mormon church was restored posthumously in May of 1961.
To an outsider, it might seem strange that a confessed and executed murderer could eventually find his way back into the church. I think there are two possible explanations for this.
The first is the doctrine of blood atonement. Early Mormonism held that some crimes were so heinous that the only way to redeem oneself was to “have one's own blood spilt upon the ground” as an atonement. While this answer makes some sense on the surface, I think that lets the Mormon church off the hook far too easily.
From what I've read, I am more inclined to believe that Lee was reinstated because he was following orders. In his confession Lee said, “I believe that most of those who were connected with the Massacre, and took part in the lamentable transaction that has blackened the character of all who were aiders or abettors in the same, were acting under the impression that they were performing a religious duty. I know all were acting under the orders and by the command of their Church leaders; and I firmly believe that the most of those who took part in the proceedings, considered it a religious duty to unquestioningly obey the orders which they had received. That they acted from a sense of duty to the Mormon Church, I never doubted.”
“I am now cut off from the Church for obeying the orders of my superiors, and doing so without asking questions—for doing as my religion and my religious teachers had taught me to do. I am now used by the Mormon Church as a scape-goat to carry the sins of that people. My life is to be taken, so that my death may stop further enquiry[sic] into the acts of the members who are still in good standing in the Church.”
Did you catch that? He was just doing his job. He was obeying orders without asking questions. The most dangerous aspect of religion (and most political parties for that matter), is that eventually they ask you to surrender your mind. Ellsworth Toohey, the villain in Ayn Rand's novel The Fountainhead summed up it up beautifully:
“If you get caught at some crucial point and somebody tells you that your doctrine doesn't make sense-you're ready for him. You tell him there's something above sense. That here he must not try to think, he must feel. He must believe. Suspend reason and you can play it deuces wild.”
Helium Overdose Again
Monday, December 26, 2005
8:48 PM
Guess who's number one on Google for “helium overdose”? Yeah baby! IN YOUR FACE!!
No, really. What am I doing wrong with you people? What is it about your lives that is so bad that you hit Google looking for information on how to O.D. on HELIUM? And why do you think I'm the authority on it?
I'm even starting to lose cred with the Mrs. This evening she said, and I quote, “I'm really looking forward to when you'll get off your lazy ass and start writing long thoughtful posts again.” DO YOU HEAR THAT? YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE RUINING MY MARRIAGE!!!
A Merry Christ-less-mas
to You Too!
Somtimes people are confused when they hear about an atheist celebrating Xmas. Given that the holiday's pagan roots, I'm not bothered by it.
Our Lovely Xmas Tree
Unlike a lot of people, I enjoy the commercial aspect of Xmas. I like spending time with family and seeing my kid spoiled rotten. I think Leonard Piekoff put it best:
“It is time to take the Christ out of Christmas, and turn the holiday into a guiltlessly egoistic, pro-reason, this-worldly, commercial celebration.”
You should read the rest of the article. It's awesome. So…how are the rest of you heathens celebrating today?
Twer the Nerds Before Xmas
Saturday, December 24, 2005
5:54 PM
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Unless you count mice.
There are four computers within 20 feet of each other, and we're all just siting here staring into our screens, happy as can be. Me, my wife and kid. Merry Xmas everyone!
Papa Bear
Mama Bear
Baby Bear
Doodle-eee Doodle-eee-doo
Friday, December 23, 2005
9:34 PM
Ok, nothing profound here. I was just doodling on the computer and thinking about all the wrapping we have to finish tonight.
Heidi: I'm not going to let you wrap the presents from Santa. She'd think that Santa had a nervous disorder…
No Brains Were Armed for the Making of this Commercial
Thursday, December 22, 2005
7:46 PM
You know that Carl's Jr. shake ad? The one where the drooling redneck gets uncomfortably sensual with a cow for thirty seconds?
There's something weird about that commercial, and I don't mean the obvious. If you watch the bottom of the screen you'll see the following disclaimer:
“No animals were harmed in the making of this commercial.”
HEEEEY....WAIT JUST A MINUTE! No animals were harmed??? Please, please, please oh please tell me this is a joke. Oh sure, Bessie made it out of taping just fine, but once her looks are gone, we all know where she's headed.
Mmmmmmmmm, good!
The Pope Who Stole Xmas
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
1:22 PM
Ok, is it just me or was Herr Ratzinger just asking for this when he put on a Santa cap?
Chris “Monkey” Buttars
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
11:55 PM
Years of evolutionary pressure have apparently taken their toll on at least one branch of humanity and culminated in an amazing new species of ape that can talk out of its ass.
For those of you who don't recognize him, this is our beloved Utah state Senator, Chris Buttars. Republican. (Who knew?) You may have heard of some of the “important” issues he's tackling here in Zion. You know, things like intelleygint dee-sign and gay hatin'.
Here is the best argument this idiot could produce against evolution: “We get different types of dogs and different types of cats, but have you ever seen a 'dat'?”
Senator, 'dat' is about the most asinine thing I have EVER heard come out of someone's mouth.
He went on to say in the same interview, “The only people who will be upset about this are atheists.”
Well hell sakes! Don't you worry about us Senator! We're just second rate citizens anyhow. Come to think of it, why don't you just round up all the atheists, Democrats and gays into one big concentration camp and gas us so you can get on with whatever it was God told you to do.
I've got news for you. A lot of people who aren't atheists are upset, too. I hope (probably in vain) that Dover, PA got your attention. Do us all a favor and step down before you embarrass yourself, your church and your state any further.
Helium Overdose???
Monday, December 19, 2005
5:22 PM
Someone hit my site today by searching on MSN for “helium overdose”. A few things concern me about this:
- On MSN, my site is the third one listed for “helium overdose”.
- “Doug Humphries” (that's me) doesn't show up in MSN's first ten pages of search results.
- Helium is inert, so technically it's asphyxiation, not overdose. If anything, it's an underdose of oxygen.
- Someone out there is dying on the floor of “helium overdose” while their friend is searching for a way to help them online.
- PEOPLE ARE STILL USING MSN FOR SEARCH
Wait a minute…taken together, I guess four and five make sense.
Woes of a White Male Wrapper
Saturday, December 17, 2005
12:34 PM
It's that special time of the year when Heidi tries to get me to help wrap the Xmas presents. Neat. In vain I've attempted to explain to her that I'm terrible at it. But I swear she can smell my fear and only asks me to help so she can make fun of me.
This year wasn't any different. I tried and tried to warn her about my incompetence, but she wasn't buying it. Without saying a word, she rolled out the paper on the table in front of me, sat a present on top of it, and waited with her hands on her hips. I threw out any self-respect I had and I caved.
After a deep breath I thought to myself, “How hard could it be? Maybe I just have a bad attitude. I'm going to show her just how serious I am about doing my part. I can be a good husband. She'll be so pleased with me!” (Translation: Maybe if I kiss up I'll get lucky tonight!)
I reached down to adjust the box. As I moved it back, my fingernail caught the paper and made a long tear in the paper. She didn't even flinch. Without any hesitation, she reached for the tape, tore a piece off and dressed the wound. Her face was stone. It seemed to scream, “what the HELL was I thinking? He really doesn't have a clue!”
“Ok, ok. I'll wrap. You put on the bows.”
“Sorry.”
“Just do it.”
“Ok. How's this one?”
“I don't like the color. Use a red one.”
“Um, Ok. Sorry. How's that?”
“It'll never stick like that. You've got to rub it down like this. Sometimes you have to use a little tape.”
“Sorry.”
“(Sigh). Ok, look why don't you just write the names on the labels and stick them on.”
“Ok.”
To: Brynn
From: Mom and Dad. But mostly your mom. This shit drives me crazy.
“Hah!”
“What???”
“Nothing.”
“No, really. What?”
“You weren't really going to put it there were you?”
SOLD!
Monday, December 12, 2005
10:24 PM
Hoo-oh-oly CRAP! I can't believe it! Our buyer actually showed up this morning and signed everything! Funding should go through in the next day or two.
To celebrate, we had dinner at our favorite Indian place. At most restaurants I am able to exhibit a degree of self control. I try not to overeat. But Indian food makes me crazy. I can't stop eating until I hear something tear internally.
Heidi actually had to drive home this time—not because I was under the influence (mmm...Taj), but because I had eaten so much that I was seriously afraid of replaying my entire dinner backwards.
I'm so embarrassed. And happy. A MILLION THANKS to everyone who has offered their support and kindness through this whole crazy thing.
Sam's Club Called—They Said They Have a New Greeter
Wednesday, December 7, 2005
11:24 PM
From an email conversation Heidi and I had yesterday:
***
Heidi: Hey honey, do you mind if we meet Christ at Sam's club tonight so he can buy a mattress? After dinner around seven-ish?
Behold, I seek an holy mattress. Do ye therfore likewise.
Doug: Meet CHRIST? Yeah I mind! I am so NOT READY. ;)
Heidi: LOL, you would soooo be in trouble!
Doug: And what's he doing working with Sam's? I thought Satan had an exclusive contract...
Heidi: Sam Walton
Sam ton
Sa ton
Satan
Doug: Yeah, well if He is there, we are sooooo switching to Costco!
Heidi: Cool dude...so I know how you feel about meeting Christ, but how about meeting Chris at Sam's tonight?
***
People say they want more Christ in Christmas, but do they really want His Holiness ringing a bell in front of Wal-Mart every December?
By Their Ears Ye Shall Know Them
Tuesday, December 4, 2005
12:13 AM
One thing that a lot of people seem to enjoy about the holidays is that nothing ever changes. Tradition is second only to God for my extended family. Don't change anything no matter what.
Well, that's where I completely messed things up. Last year, the blessed rite of sameness was preserved in its entirety. This year, I threw a wrench in the works and got my ears pierced.
Gaze upon the hoops of hell!
Why? At the beginning of the year, I was training for the Deseret News Marathon, said to be unofficially sponsored by an association called Mormons Attending Marathons and Making Asinine Reenactments Yearly, (MAMMARY). I always just called them boobs, and I say that with all due respect. Boobs are great. But I digress.
When I decided to run this race, I was fully aware that it was essentially a reenactment of the Mormon pioneers’ 1847 arrival in the Salt Lake valley. I, on the other hand, arrived here by birth. I wanted a way to express that I was entering the valley on my own terms this time —not for some god, church or anything else.
The earrings were my answer. I wanted it to be clear to everyone there that I wasn't one of them. It was a deeply satisfying and personal expression of my free will, and I've never regretted it.
For the last seven years, my apostasy had been a secret to my mother's side of the family. It's not that I've ever been ashamed of it—I just never considered any of them worth the time I would lose by arguing about it. So, for the last several years, everyone at the yearly Christmas party just looked at me and assumed that I was the same old (Mormon) Doug they had always known.
I was wary of attending this year, but Heidi eventually convinced me that we should go. After about an hour or so, no one had said anything out of the ordinary. I met with several people in the family I hadn't seen in a while. They were genuinely happy to see me. I was actually enjoying myself and started to settle into the idea that maybe I had been too hard on everyone.
It was about then that one of my cousins walked towards me across the width of the large meeting hall and said smugly, “Hey Doug, are you missing something?” The way he said it sounded like he was diagnosing me with an acute midlife crisis.
“What?”
“Well, you're the talk of the party. Was something just missing from your ears and you just needed to fill it?”
My heart raced and I thought, “Yeah Jack-off (not his real name), that's exactly it! I just couldn't get over the overwhelming feeling that all my life my ears have just been missing something. It was driving me crazy! I feel so much better now. Thanks for asking! Talk of the party! Oh yeah? Well, why the HELL aren't they talking to ME???”
It's a pretty cheap shot to confront someone at a party where my only options are to defend myself and cause a scene in front of four generations of my family, or to sit down and take it. I'm sure he wanted the confrontation. But who wants to argue with someone whose sense of logic makes them sure there are angels flying around and that this belief makes him superior to everyone who disagrees? Would he have even accepted my answer if I had given it to him?
So I just agreed, “Yup.”
He waited for more, but when he could see it wasn't going anywhere he changed to smalltalk. Though I doubt it was intentional, he managed to insult my wife and I a few more times before he left, and that was it.
So what's the big deal? They're just earrings, right? Not for me. I bought them as a representation of who I am and what I believe. I keep them as a talisman against people who would judge my worth solely by my appearance. Who wants to deal with a bunch of simplistic morons like that anyway?
War of the WTF???
Thursday, December 1, 2005
7:40 AM
Last night I watched War of the Worlds. (Don't read anything after this if you haven't seen it already). I have to say, I liked it a lot more than I thought I would—until the end.
Two hours of building up the destruction of the earth and how hopeless our cause is, and then in the last two minutes, all the aliens catch cold and die. No, really.
The real clincher is Morgan Freeman's voice-over epilogue. Apparently because of God's great wisdom in creating bacteria, the aliens were doomed when they got here. Only a few billion people were killed, and Earth at last was saved from utter annihilation.
Great. Thanks God. Next time could you maybe not be so clever and oh, I dunno, maybe KEEP THE FUCKING ALIENS FROM COMING HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE???
