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Eight Hours of Recommended Reading
(But only if you're really slow.)
- PETA: The Worth of Animal Souls Is Great
- Celestial Roulette
- My Body is a Private Club for Members
- Label Maker
- The Fear of God and Spiders
- You Must Be Smoking
- Caffeine: The Devil's in the Drip
Eight Hours Worth
of other Blogs
I've been to too many blogs to list them all in this column, but you can see the list here.
At Least Eight Hours Worth of Podcasts I'm Not Supposed to Like:
February 2006
SB96 46-28
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
9:31PM
Hey Buttars! YEAH! HA!! IN YOUR FACE!!! I'm actually very pleased that such a traditionally screwy state managed to blast this idiotic bill into oblivion. For you non-Utards, SB96 was Buttars' pathetic attempt to sneak just a little bit more church into our state via "intelligent design". Hmm…wasn't that already in a commercial?
"Hey! You got your church in my state!"
"You got your state in my church!"
"Awww, man, now I've got some seeeerious munchies…"
"Dude, I'm not kidding. Don't bogart my twinkies!"
I'm relieved to find I'm not the only one in this state that thinks that religion doesn't belong in a science class. Maybe there's a little hope for my little ol' home state after all.
The Joseph Gene
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
10:00PM
Ok, not much to say here. I just want to know which one of you is working at the library and did this:
AWESOME!!!!
Is Something Burning?
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
10:23PM
I've got several posts I've been working on, but they might start coming a little more slowly now. I just signed on for some new contract development work today. I don't know what it is with me—forty hours a week just never seems to be enough. Chalk it up to a happy case of materialism.
Well, at least I can always turn to working on my site for relaxation.
Fool Me Once…
Thursday, February 9, 2006
7:33AM
Grocery shopping has always been a painful ordeal for me. Don't get me wrong—I actually enjoy having my kid tug on my arm for two hours while jumping up and down, screaming and crying that she wants to go home. It's great—like a sand and glass colonic.
But there's a trick that Heidi has, and I'm curious if she's actually the inventor, or if all women do this. Inevitably, after we all pull up to the checkout line with our cart Heidi will remember something she missed.
Heidi: Wait here while I go get some cilantro.
Me: No way. You'll take forever, the cashier will finish checking us out, and I'll be stuck here looking like a dork while you finish your shopping.
Heidi: No you won't. I'll be right back. Don't be such a baby.
Me: rrrrrrrrrrrrgh…
Cashier: That'll be $29.45.
Me: Um, actually, that's not everything.
Cashier: What???
Me: I said that's not everything. My wife went to get something else.
Cashier: Ok…well you do see there are people waiting behind you, right?
Me: I…um…I…uh…
Cashier: Well, what? Are you an IDIOT? What the HELL is the matter with you???
Me: No ma'am…I…uh…
Cashier: WELL???
Me: Ummm…I..uh..I'm sorry?
Cashier: You hear that everyone? He's sorry! Well I don't know about you all, but I, for one am not going to believe it until I see him dancing on this cart in his boxers. You know, the xmas ones from his Web site.
Me: Aw hell! Again?
So, the next time you're downtown and you see a dirty homeless man huddled on the ground in the fetal position next to a shopping cart, have a little compassion. It's probably me.
P.S. Heidi says I need to tell you all that this didn't really happen. I guess. OUCH!! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry! OUCH!!! DAMN WOMAN!!! What's the matter with you!
Caffeine: The Devil's in the Drip
Monday, February 6, 2006
3:11PM
Or maybe not. Last week I did something that millions of people around the world do. I brought a can of Coke to the table to enjoy with dinner. What made me different is that I did it in a very orthodox Mormon house. I can't say for sure, but for a second my mom seemed to pause awkwardly as she stole a furtive glance at the can.
Fools! Now I am your master!!!
You see, caffeine is of the devil. Mormons, or at least the strict ones, aren't supposed to drink any caffeine at all. My can of Coke was at best a breach of etiquette. At worst, it was an insult to god and his humble followers. (Never mind that I occasionally like rum or whiskey with mine).
The basis for this taboo is based on quotes of several LDS authorities. For example, the late Mormon Prophet, Heber J. Grant said:
I am not going to give any command, but I will ask it as a personal, individual favor to me, to let coca-cola [sic] alone. There are plenty of other things you can get at the soda fountains without drinking that which is injurious. The Lord does not want you to use any drug that creates an appetite for itself. (Conference Report, April 1922, p.165)
Consequently, you will not find any caffeinated soft drinks at BYU or at places of church employment. You won't find it for sale, that is. I think it would be very amusing to do random spot checks of what people are drinking near the “Profit's” office. I know when I was at BYU, I used to go off campus for it.
That's one of the cool things about being a prophet. You can ask a favor of millions of people and a lot of them will actually do it because they don't want to go to hell.
Having said that, I don't want anyone to stop drinking Coke. It tastes good, and from what I've read the dangers of caffeine have been grossly overstated. If you like it, it makes you happy, and doesn't hurt anyone else, drink it! Of course, if you're looking for a healthier alternative, why not have a cup of coffee?
