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Eight Hours of Recommended Reading
(But only if you're really slow.)
- PETA: The Worth of Animal Souls Is Great
- Celestial Roulette
- My Body is a Private Club for Members
- Label Maker
- The Fear of God and Spiders
- You Must Be Smoking
- Caffeine: The Devil's in the Drip
Eight Hours Worth
of other Blogs
I've been to too many blogs to list them all in this column, but you can see the list here.
At Least Eight Hours Worth of Podcasts I'm Not Supposed to Like:
June 2006
- Moving Day
- This Will Make You Cry
- Old Testament: Doug Humphries Translation (OT:DHT)
- PETA: The Worth of Animal Souls is Great
- Adoption as a Practical Joke
- Eight Hours of Thanks
- RSS
- It’s Hard to Play the Blues When Your Guitar is Purple
- A Brush with Podcast Celebrity
- The Secret of Your Success
- Celestial Roulette
- Denial of Service Attack
- Best Month EVARR!!
Moving Day
Friday, June 30, 2006
7:52AM
It's finally here. After six failed attempts to close on the old house and three months living with my parents that turned into nine, we're finally moving into the new house. And the drama continues. One hour before closing yesterday, they were just starting to pour the cement for our driveway. Nothing like cutting it close, eh?
Anyhow, we don't have our phone or Internet service set up in the new house yet, so it will be a little while (maybe a week) before I post again. A million thanks to everyone who keeps coming back.
Doug
This Will Make You Cry
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
5:01PM
But only because you can't stop laughing.
Old Testament: Doug Humphries Translation (OT:DHT)
Sunday, June 25, 2006
11:05PM
Chapter One
1. Moses’ wife was a notorious taskmaster who nagged at him mightily
to do things around the house.
2. Yea, she nagged him so much that one day he finally broke down and yelled, “DAMN WOMAN!! Is there no end to your to-do list? I swear to Yahweh, I’m always doing something for you! When will I ever get any time for myself? Would it kill you to give me just one free day a week?"
3. And the woman saith unto him, “Just one?”
4. “Yea, verily.”
5. “Um…ok…how about Saturday?”
6. And it came to pass that Moses was naïve and agreed, and the first Sabbath began. Thus by her cunning, the woman suckered all mankind into believing he had one day off for beer and sports. Yet he was cursed always to have six days on.
PETA: The Worth of
Animal Souls Is Great
Saturday, June 24, 2006
12:24PM
On the surface equal rights for animals might not sound all that bad. Hell, we all love puppies and kittens, right? Who’d want to hurt something so cute? The answer might surprise you. For as much love as PETA professes to animals, they sure are killing a lot of them.
According to The Center for Consumer Freedom, “since July 1998 [PETA] has killed over 14,400 cats, dogs, and other pets in Virginia.” Just Virginia. It’s clear that PETA cares a lot less about protecting animals than it does about controlling people. That, and taking money—lots of money. For the tax year ending July 2004, PETA brought in $28,926,924. Now, I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who’d be glad to preach any ridiculous idea for a stake in that kind of cash. I’m not one of them. I’m ethical.
The problem I have discussing ethics for animals is that ethics can’t exist without reason. Rational thought is tough. Most people are barely capable of it. Animals, on the other hand, even at the top of their game, are incredibly stupid. We know this, so we don’t consider them culpable on any philosophical level for their actions. If a dog tries to hump your leg, is it sexual assault? No, he’s just stupid. He can’t control himself, and he’ll never get better. It’s just what dogs do.
Cute. Cuddly. Shameless repeat sex offender.
One of my favorite stupid animals is the cow. The main evolutionary advantage that it has is that it tastes good (shoes and jackets are just a bonus). Because they smell so great on the grill, cows unwittingly entice us to eat them. As luck would have it, we like them so much we’ll do anything to keep from running out.
Thus, a terrifically idiotic species is preserved from almost certain
self-annihilation—which is more than I can hope for the folks
at PETA. It’s not cruelty to animals. It’s just an intriguing
eddy in a river where survival of the fittest counts for a hell of a
lot more than some dumb animal’s “feelings”.
Adoption as a Practical Joke
Sunday, June 18, 2006
1:55PM
Over lunch today my mom commented, “The neighbors next door adopted their little girl from an orphanage in India.”
“Doug, we should adopt a little girl from India. Then we could have another kid and I wouldn’t have to get pregnant!”
“HA! Yeah that’d be great! I could go around telling everyone that you had an affair! BWAH HAHAHAHAH!!!”
My mom didn’t laugh. I couldn’t stop.
“Heidi?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re not serious, right? I really don’t want to be outsourced to India.”
Eight Hours of Thanks
Saturday, June 17, 2006
2:28PM
Years ago when I was eight,
And angels ruled the world,
A minute seemed an hour,
As my little mind unfurled.
A world where lunch
With friends was great,
But just a little dot—
Compared to love
From those of you,
Who don’t hate what I’m not.
RSS
Friday, June 16, 2006
7:24AM
As a further testament to my ability to build irrational fear into approaching new tasks, this site has been online since September 2005 without an RSS feed. I didn’t do it for a couple of reasons. First reason? I thought it could be difficult to learn and implement. Never mind that RSS stands for REALLY SIMPLE SYNDICATION.
The second reason was that I didn’t want people to ever just read the feeds and ignore the site. For me the pictures are part of the experience. Never mind that sometimes people just want to use RSS as an alert for new content on sites they like (guh).
So anyhow, it’s up now. Look for the RSS link at the top of this page on the right hand side. Please let me know if you encounter any problems.
It’s Hard to Play the Blues
When Your Guitar is Purple
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
11:51PM
About fifteen years ago a close friend of mine arrived home from his mission to South Korea with a gift: an acoustic guitar. He joked about what a cheap piece of junk it was, but I didn’t mind at all. He taught me a few chords and the first position for a pentatonic minor scale in E. (That’s easy blues for those y’all who don’t speak music). I was hooked. We had tons of fun just jamming, playing and singing from fake books.
The acoustic guitar was fine until a couple years later when I tried to play over my brother’s drum set. I was still in college and cash was tight, so I headed out to the pawn shops. After searching through several shops, I found this:
The Ibanez Roadstar II Series
It was all alone on a stand behind the counter away from the other guitars. I’m pretty sure I remember the sun shining through the windows on the body of this clearly wonderful instrument as a soft voice beckoned to me.
“Doug, I am your guitar! We knew each other before you were born! I come with an amp! And I can help you get laid! Just charge it! You won’t be sorry.”
So I took it home and played the three songs I knew over and over again—really loud.
Until this year, I’d had only had four formal lessons. I started lessons again this spring for a bajillion different reasons, but mostly to get out of my parents' house on Saturdays. I started with an instructor who was about ten year younger than me. It didn’t seem like a problem at the time because I could tell he knew how to play.
At my first lesson, before I even had the case all the way open he laughed and blurted out, “Retro!!!” I fired him after four lessons.
I keep telling myself it’s because he wasn’t a very good teacher, but I’m not sure that’s entirely it. After all, I’ve been with this guitar longer than my wife. Nobody mocks the purple goddess of love and blues about her age. Nobody.
***
A couple of days ago, I recorded a short clip with my MP3 player. The backup band is a practice CD playing through my television set, hence the wonderful sound quality.
I’ve decided that being self taught isn’t all that bad. It’s way cheaper, and I get to set the pace. Eventually, I’ll work up the talent and courage to show up at an open mike blues jam. For now, I’ll just keep practicing.
A Brush with Podcast Celebrity
Monday, June 12, 2006
7:41AM
A few months ago, I was looking for new podcasts to listen to. I waded through tons of them that were long-winded, sloppy or just plain boring. Then I stumbled on a well-produced, insightful and funny gem called Quick Hitts. After hearing just one episode, I downloaded the rest of them and listened to them all.
Suddenly, amazing things started to happen. My gut disappeared and I started growing hair on my chest. I got a huge raise. Everywhere I went, beautiful, exotic swimsuit models were begging me to spend the night.
Ok, ok, I don’t actually have a hairy chest, but I did enjoy his shows. I’ve had a link to his site on Eight Hour Lunch ever since.
What I didn’t expect to ever see was an email from him in my inbox. We’ve sent several emails back and forth since then, and I’ve enjoyed talking with him. Now, I know that this isn’t the same as getting email from a Hollywood celebrity, but it should be. He’s that good. If I had my way, he’d be in syndication by now. If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor. Subscribe to the Quick Hitts podcast and get yourself Smartenized®.
P.S. When’s the next episode Dave? I’m going through withdrawals!
The Secret of Your Success
Saturday, June 10, 2006
11:55AM
Yes, it’s a handy feature. No, I’m not going to push it for you again.
If I ever find a way to make this work for everyone else, I’ll be rich!
Celestial Roulette
Thursday, June 8, 2006
9:08PM
Hi, this is Doug Humphries, roving reporter coming to you live from Heaven, better known to most Mormons as the Celestial Kingdom. Today I’m speaking with Elijah Daniels. After waiting patiently for years in the Spirit World for his dear wife, Elijah has just discovered that the woman he was faithful to for 57 years had their eternal marriage annulled. You see, after Elijah passed away, Emma married a Mormon general authority in the Salt Lake temple for all time and eternity.
“Elijah, you were always a pretty faithful guy, right? I mean you were a regular at church?”
“Yes.”
“Swear much?”
“Heck, no!”
“Ever drink alcohol?”
“Never.”
“Always paid your tithing?”
“Yup.”
“Well it sounds like you were a model Mormon. How much would you say you loved your wife?”
“More than my own life.”
“Did she love you?”
“Well, I thought so…”
“Do you have anything you’d like to say to her now that you know she’ll be spending eternity with someone else?”
“Well uh, yeah. Just one thing, actually.”
“What’s that?”
“FUCK YOU, Emma. Fuck you”.
***
Today I read a story on a local news site that bothered me. More specifically, it’s a paragraph in the story that bothered me. And when I say it bothered me, I mean it’s more disturbing than the part where an eighty-one-year-old widower takes a never-before-married woman as his new wife. Here’s the paragraph:
“[LDS] Church policy allows for men to be sealed to more than one woman, if the second wife has not previously been sealed in marriage. If she has, the woman could only be sealed to a second husband if she asks for her previous sealing to be removed from church records.”
You mean all she has to do is ask? So it’s 50 years of faithful marriage and then BAM! “Sorry honey, I met someone else after you died. I know you had your heart set on it, but you won't have me forever after all.”
For a religion that seems to be soooooo into eternal marriage, Mormonism sure doesn’t seem to give a damn about marriage lasting forever—at least not in written doctrine.
Then again, I’m not at all surprised. After all, my great-great-great-great grandfather eloped with a still-married mother of three. She was his ninth wife, but not for long. Her semi-ex chased him down like the dog he was and shot him on his horse.
At least he didn’t break any commandments.
Parley P. Pratt. Pioneer. Polygamist. Asshat.
Denial of Service Attack
Tuesday, June 6, 2006
7:41AM
Just a quick note this morning. Eight Hour Lunch appears to be under a denial of service attack. I'm working with my service provider and hope to be able to ride it out. I'll provide more details as I have them.
Update: My best guess is that the attack was just some feeble drive-by courtesy of some zit-faced dateless script kiddie. I wish I could say it was something sexier—you know, like angry mobs of modern Danites trying to shut me down. Alas, I am boring, and that is just fine.
This morning before work, I made a quick check of the site stats. I was amazed to see that it wasn’t even seven o’clock, and I had already had already had over seven hundred visits to the site.
I was almost excited, but my brain kicked in and I realized something must be wrong. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the IP addresses for all the requests were originating from somewhere in Russia. I quickly shot off an email to my ISP and it stopped by the time it reached around eight hundred requests for every single file on my site.
Too late to make it short, so I’ll just end by saying it looks like there wasn’t any down time and I’m glad I’m still here.
Best Month EVARR!!
Saturday, June 3, 2006
8:39AM
Ok, maybe not ever, but the number of unique visitors to Eight Hour Lunch last month is a significant bump over April. I'm not advertising the site anywhere, so thanks to everyone who has either linked to the site or at least told someone about it.
I would promise you rich blessings in the hereafter, but since I can't do that, maybe I'll give you a little something special when I get home from work. ;)
And oh—thanks for the comments! Even though I'd probably write no matter what, it just wouldn't be as much fun without you all. Y'all. Eee-haw. Get along little Dougie.
Ok. I'm leaving now.
