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Eight Hours of Recommended Reading
(But only if you're really slow.)
- PETA: The Worth of Animal Souls Is Great
- Celestial Roulette
- My Body is a Private Club for Members
- Label Maker
- The Fear of God and Spiders
- You Must Be Smoking
- Caffeine: The Devil's in the Drip
Eight Hours Worth
of other Blogs
I've been to too many blogs to list them all in this column, but you can see the list here.
At Least Eight Hours Worth of Podcasts I'm Not Supposed to Like:
December 2006
Sometimes You Just Have
to Take a Break
December 24, 2006
9:13AM
There are times when it becomes painfully obvious that you’ve been working too much. Several years ago, I was working double shifts as a teacher at a local technical school. The bonuses were great, but when you’re getting to work before seven in the morning and leaving after ten every night, it doesn’t take very long to completely mess you up. Even so, I managed to keep it up for two years. Hell, for a while I even took on some freelance work at the same time.
If it wasn’t always graceful, at least sometimes I could say it was interesting. One evening at the end of a lab, I stood up in front of my students to pick up the lecture where we had left off. The topic was spread spectrum radio, but in my burnt out stupor I managed to utter something completely different. I looked on in horror as the words flew out of my mouth like a train hurtling towards a broken bridge.
Though I could tell exactly what I was saying, somehow my brakes had failed and I was powerless to stop. I could almost hear the sickening sound of metal twisting and crashing against the jagged rocks below as I announced, “Ok class, turn to page 187 in your books. We’re going to talk about spread rectum radio”.
The moment of uncomfortable silence was only drowned out by a few blank stares followed by a deafening roar of laughter. There aren’t many things that will make me blush. This was different. I had just inadvertently created a new form of communication that, if the winds were favorable, would allow people to send encrypted messages to each other across surprising distances using nothing more than their bare asses and a couple cans of beans. That image, or whatever image I had just created for my students made it pointless to continue. We had to take a break. Sometimes you just have to take a break.
While my embarrassment hasn’t been enough to keep me from accidentally tinkering with my invention from time to time, I have to say it has changed my outlook a little. You can try all you want to be Superman. Hell, a lot of the time you’ll probably even succeed. But there’s nothing wrong with slowing down once in a while and enjoying the other things you love. You’ll feel better, and I’ll bet your family and the patent office will thank you for it.
Throw Me a Shovel—or Not
December 18, 2006
12:28PM
If your weather in your neighborhood was anything like mine this weekend, you got buried under a ton of snow. Of course, you may live near the ocean where the temperature hovers at about 75 all year. That just means you suck. I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is.
Assuming you were one of the fortunate few on whose house Mother Nature took a three-day long sparkling white dump, you may be tempted to clear your driveway and sidewalks. That’s a nice thought and all, but may I make an alternative suggestion? Don’t do it. There are lots of benefits to this approach including:
- • You can stay inside where it’s warm.
- • It’s funny to watch other people hurting their backs.
- • It hurts less to slip and fall on two feet of snow than a shoveled driveway.
- • It keeps salespeople away.
- • It’s hard to get to work when you’re snowed in.
- • It’s more fun to stay home because you’re lazy than it is because your back is ganked.
- • The personal insulation (aka lard) you preserved by your inactivity will help to keep your midsection warm until winter is over. Nature meant for it to be this way.
- • Hell, you might even have time to write blog entries. Wouldn’t that be something?
Can You Blame Me?
December 2, 2006
12:30PM
A couple days ago, Heidi and I got an invitation in the mail to the annual family Xmas bash. Dozens of cousins, aunts, uncles and all of their kids are going to be there. Even so, I can’t say I’m really looking forward to it. Oh, I know you’re supposed to love your family and all, and most days I do. But given our experience last year, it was pretty easy for us to say we wouldn’t be going back.
The rumors surrounding this December’s party make it sound like it’ll be about as much fun as heading to Alaska in January for an outdoor prostate exam at the hands of an ill-tempered polar bear with rabies. You see, this year, one of my aunts decided to nix Santa’s annual visit and toy delivery in favor of a more holy, Jesus-centered Christmas. Great. Now even my uber-Mormon parents are complaining.
I’ll admit that I had been wavering over the decision before, but now my mind is made up. I know exactly what I need to do. I have to go. I’m going to get myself a big ol’ cross, dress up like Jesus and crash the party. Ho, ho, ho!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! Now bow down and worship me motherfuckers, or I’m gonna burn your impenitent asses in hell forever! And oh yeah, you should know—I’m only doing this because I love you.
Can’t tell me I don’t know the reason for the season.
Elvis, Sasquatch, Vacations and other Urban Legends
Wednesday, November 8, 2006
12:25PM
Rumor has it that the Humphries family recently took a vacation in Southern California. See the photographic proof on Flickr and be amazed!! Read the witty captions! Share them with your loved ones. Share them with your enemies. Listen as my ego chants, "Feed me, FEEEED MEEEEE!!!"
I don't think he'll actually bite, but If I were you, I'd do what he says.
Call Me Crazy, But…
November 4, 2006
8:26PM
I told the missionaries they could come over anytime they want. Yup. Then I did this:
Click here to enlarge.
Forgotten, but not Gone
Thursday, November 2, 2006
12:05PM
My family and I just got back from ten days of vacation in Southern California. As usual, I have a lot to say, just not a lot of time to say it. I promise I'll write soon, but for now I hope you'll enjoy listening to this. It's me on guitars, bass and drum machine—I didn't have the drum kit when I recorded it. Thanks for sticking around. Sorry for the leftovers and re-runs.
Doug
