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Eight Hours of Recommended Reading
(But only if you're really slow.)
- PETA: The Worth of Animal Souls Is Great
- Celestial Roulette
- My Body is a Private Club for Members
- Label Maker
- The Fear of God and Spiders
- You Must Be Smoking
- Caffeine: The Devil's in the Drip
Eight Hours Worth
of other Blogs
I've been to too many blogs to list them all in this column, but you can see the list here.
At Least Eight Hours Worth of Podcasts I'm Not Supposed to Like:
Favorites
Ok, they’re mostly my favorites. If you think I've missed one, please let me know.
PETA: The Worth of Animal Souls Is Great
On the surface equal rights for animals might not sound all that bad. Hell, we all love puppies and kittens, right? Who’d want to hurt something so cute? The answer might surprise you. For as much love as PETA professes to animals, they sure are killing a lot of them.
Celestial Roulette
Hi, this is Doug Humphries, roving reporter coming to you live from Heaven, better known to most Mormons as the Celestial Kingdom. Today I’m speaking with Elijah Daniels. After waiting patiently for years in the Spirit World for his dear wife, Elijah has just discovered that the woman he was faithful to for 57 years had their eternal marriage annulled.
My Body is a Private Club for Members
Several nights ago I found my dad working intently on the computer. I could see just enough of the screen to know exactly what he was writing. “My body is a temple, and you don’t have a recommend.”
Label Maker
In today’s world, labeling people has become an unforgivable sin. Never mind that sometimes labels can be good. We’ve sacrificed clarity to spare people’s feelings. It has gotten to the point that Johnny can’t even be smart anymore. His classmates just need improvement. Because they’re stupid. And now I need to repent to the amorphous god some call Society.
The Fear of God and Spiders
Last week at lunch, someone I know and for whom I have tons of respect told someone else I equally respect, "You're more ex-Mormon than I am Mormon."
Now, I usually hate to guess at meanings, but it seemed to imply, or it at least reminded me of a familiar saying in the LDS church. “People leave the church, but they can’t leave it alone”. Let me tell you, it's not as easy as that.
You Must Be Smoking
California smokers descended en masse at the California town of Calabasas today to protest the city’s newly passed outdoor smoking ban. Over 50,000 angry demonstrators lit up in unison at the beginning of the three-mile march to show their contempt for the new law.
Caffeine: The Devil's in the Drip
Or maybe not. Last week I did something that millions of people around the world do. I brought a can of Coke to the table to enjoy with dinner. What made me different is that I did it in a very orthodox Mormon house. I can't say for sure, but for a second my mom seemed to pause awkwardly as she stole a furtive glance at the can.
The King of Comebacks
This is a picture of me in fifty years. You can see that I'm still working on the perfect comeback to an argument I had in third grade. I'm kind of slow that way.
The General Theory of Relative Stupidity
(AKA This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is an Empty Bottle of Scotch)
Why is it empty, you ask? I’ll give you a hint. It has to do with a theory I have. It isn’t published yet. If things are as bad as I fear, most of you won’t understand it. I call it the General Theory of Relative Stupidity. Here it is.
The Missing Article (AKA The Fucking Pumpkins)
If it’s Smashing Pumpkins, then Halloween has just ended, and a bunch of punk-ass brats (like me in high school) are running around the neighborhood trashing your jack-o-lanterns. The Smashing Pumpkins would be a bunch of well-dressed, possibly homosexual gourds from England.
Voulez-vous un faux pas?
We were seated after a small wait at a table upstairs. I was immediately in awe. Everything was perfect. A live jazz combo played softly in the background as important looking people sat around their tables enjoying meals the likes of which I had only seen on the Food Network.
Will the Real Beer Please Step Forward?
“Yes, I’m SURE I don’t want a Corona Light! I said I want a Corona EXTRA. I’m not speaking Spanish here…well actually I guess I am a little…"
The Primary Colors are 1-2-3
There were two neatly-dressed women standing in the doorway, smiles on their faces. After a slight pause, one of them said, “Brother Humphries?”
