Helping Keep Victoria's Secret

As you may have already heard, my wife, my kid and I are camping out at my parents' place while the new house is being built. It's really nice of them, and we're glad for the opportunity to save some cash. That's not to say there haven't been any quirks.

One thing you should know about my parents is that they are very strict LDS. Especially my mom. And though I love her dearly, one might even go so far as to say she is uptight. Of course only going that far would be a gross understatement of her uptight-idi-ness, and I have the mental scars to prove it.

For example, once when I was about nine, we had recently moved into a new neighborhood. Some of my new friends invited me over to run through the sprinklers with them. The only thing was, I didn't own a swimsuit or even a pair of shorts. That would be immodest.

Of course, even mom realized that I couldn't run through the sprinklers fully clothed. So she found an old pair of jeans and cut them off for me—about an inch below my knees. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I have a simple explanation for that—everyone was staring at me. Hell, I looked like an export from Colorado City. Humiliated, I ran out the door with my friends in a t-shirt and my new “shorts” to cool off. To their credit, none of them beat me up.

Now you have some background for the real story. Yesterday, when I got from home from work, my mail was stacked in a neat pile on the kitchen table. On the bottom I found this:

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Only it didn't look quite like this. Whoever brought in the mail (I'll give you three guesses) had strategically placed the bills on top of this lovely model so as to hide her lusty nekkedness from my view. The message sent, though unspoken, rang loud and clear: THIS IS EVIL. Because I'm evil, it made me want to look at it even more, and for more reasons than the obvious. That is, of course, why God didn't give (most) men breasts. He knew we'd waste so much time staring down our shirts that we'd never accomplish anything else.

To make matters even more complicated, when Heidi turned over the catalog it was addressed to me. Douglas Humphries. Pervert. I don't know who did it. I honestly don't know which one of you thought it would be funny to sign me up for the Victoria's Secret Swim 2006 catalog. It was damn sneaky. You are going to get me in a hell of a lot of trouble. I've got just one thing to say to you, whoever you are...

Thanks!

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