Fool Me Once…

Grocery shopping has always been a painful ordeal for me. Don't get me wrong—I actually enjoy having my kid tug on my arm for two hours while jumping up and down, screaming and crying that she wants to go home. It's great—like a sand and glass colonic.

But there's a trick that Heidi has, and I'm curious if she's actually the inventor, or if all women do this. Inevitably, after we all pull up to the checkout line with our cart Heidi will remember something she missed.

Heidi: Wait here while I go get some cilantro.

Me: No way. You'll take forever, the cashier will finish checking us out, and I'll be stuck here looking like a dork while you finish your shopping.

Heidi: No you won't. I'll be right back. Don't be such a baby.

Me: rrrrrrrrrrrrgh…

Cashier: That'll be $29.45.

Me: Um, actually, that's not everything.

Cashier: What???

Me: I said that's not everything. My wife went to get something else.

Cashier: Ok…well you do see there are people waiting behind you, right?

Me: I…um…I…uh…

Cashier: Well, what? Are you an IDIOT? What the HELL is the matter with you???

Me: No ma'am…I…uh…

Cashier: WELL???

Me: Ummm…I..uh..I'm sorry?

Cashier: You hear that everyone? He's sorry! Well I don't know about you all, but I, for one am not going to believe it until I see him dancing on this cart in his boxers. You know, the xmas ones from his Web site.

Me: Aw hell! Again?

So, the next time you're downtown and you see a dirty homeless man huddled on the ground in the fetal position next to a shopping cart, have a little compassion. It's probably me.

P.S. Heidi says I need to tell you all that this didn't really happen. I guess. OUCH!! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry! OUCH!!! DAMN WOMAN!!! What's the matter with you!